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Aug 6, 2005 @ 10:46 am
I can tell from the begining that this one's going to be worth a laugh or two or three when she says this is her new hobby and something about hating how it takes so long to cook and that using crockpots save her time. Is delivery service THAT slow in your neighborhood, Sandie?
"We are going to slow cook the fast way!", she exclaims when starting on the risotto. She uses "barrio rice", so I guess this is spanish rice. Hmm, looks like Minute Rice ™ to me. She slices some big-ass mushrooms because she claims food shrinks in the crock pot. I don't believe her for a second.
She puts a pot roast into the crock pot but it's too big. Due to the magic of the crock pot, when we cut to another angle, the roast has shrunken down a bit. Wow, she wasn't kidding about how food shrinks in crock pots!
She stops to stir the risoto. Luckily, she doesn't stir it for two hours.
She begins to make the bread pudding by pulverizing instant oatmeal in a blender and then mxing the rest of the ingrediants in a bowl. Why does she always measure into measuring cups over the bowl of food? She tells us it has to set up in the fridge for an hour, swapping out a stunt bowl in the process and dumping it into the crockpot, giving us that stupid warning about putting cold things into a not-cold crockpot. Moron. She suddenly remembers that she needs to add noodles to the soup and shuffles back to the other side of the counter, then she stops to stir the risoota again. "Do it every half hour!", she says.
Sandra parrots her stupid "Slow cooking fast!" phrase. She has ingrediants for the cream soda sauce, include a glass jar of powdered parmesian cheese. Oh wait, that's for the rice. Phew! She adds a full cup of half a cup of cream soda. She makes some dire warning about buring the cake in the cooker.
She removes the pot roast from the crockpot and, luckily, remembers to remove the string. She cuts it, telling us the meat will literally fall apart. That's because it is, you moron. I get so pissed off with people who incorrectly use "literally".
Before bopping out to commercial, she tells us she's going to make a hottie sangria and a tablescape in the kitchen! I guess she's too sloshed or lazy to make it to the dining room this week. What's the POINT?
When we return from commercial, we can tell by the graphic on the screen that
it's now "Sandra's Cocktail Time!". She walks in with a bottle of booze in hand. She adds a bottle of white AND red wine into a cooker, then adds a generous cup of brandy. She adds simple syrup and a couple cinamon sticks, some orange slices, and frozen cherries and frozen peaches. Sandra pipes up with "This drink could be a desert!". Ugh, no. Sandra chirps "Lookit at how beautiful this is" and gets a ladle. Big mugs you got there. As she decants the so-called sangria into a pair of glass beer steins, she warns us to use heat-proof glasses and invites us to see her buffet scape.
Taking a few steps towards what used to the fourth wall, she declares "Slow cooking is smart!", which immediate makes me giggle because it reminds me of a certain ep of Star Trek: Next Gen. Again, for some reason, she decorated the table the kids are banished to on Thanksgiving, telling us she has to light up the candles so she can see. Huh? She gives her lame 3-keeps, pimps her site, and exits stage left with a double baby claw wave.
This post has been edited by ubi: Aug 6, 2005 @ 10:51 am.
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